Rainy Day

Not a lot of rain, but enough, it's been cloudy and very cool all day. I like cloudy, cool days. We will have sunshine and heat soon enough. Allergies are about to wipe me out. I don't know if it's caused by the wet, cool weather or just aggravated by it. But, I've been itching and sneezing all day.

Mother's Day and Father's Day make me tired. People get so sentimental, downright mushy. I'm not a parent, never wanted to be. Mainly because of the childhood that I had. Ever since I was very small my mother constantly told me about how bad my grandmother was to her. How bad my father was too her. She told me that her life was miserable and she wanted a divorce but was afraid that she couldn't support 2 children by herself. I felt that in some way I was supposed to make it all right, to comfort her, to be her best friend. That's a hard burden for an 8 year old child to carry, but I carried it for many years. She taught me to hate my father, when I saw him drive into the drive at the end of the work day, I remember despising him because he was so mean to her. I actually don't remember him being mean to her, I only remember what she told me. They argued a lot, he was always asking her what was wrong and she would give him the silent treatment. I remember feeling constantly stressed. She discouraged me from making friends at school. I did have one friend in grade school, my mom disapproved of her. One summer we spent too much time together and my mom put a stop to it. After that I didn't try to make friends. I learned not to trust people from my mother. She believed that people were talking about her and making fun of her behind her back. Self pity figured in there pretty prominently too, still does. I didn't want to get married because I was afraid my marriage would turn out like my parents'. There are many reasons why my mother was the way she was. I don't want to write them all down. Let's just say it was passed on from generation to the next. I wanted more than anything to NOT pass it on. I wanted to be self sufficient, isolated, to stand alone, not needing anyone. I could take care of myself. I was taught about Christianity on a superficial level, I knew about Jesus but I never knew Him personally. It was in 1982 that I met the Lord, really met Him. I realized that I can't be an island, that I can't do it alone. I don't have too, I have a Father Who loves me with an everlasting love. An everlasting family, all children of His. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I can forgive my parents because I was forgiven and I can begin to understand where they came from. The world is a hard cruel place but we don't have to face it alone. My Aunt Helen used to ask me, "if you don't have children, who is going to take care of you in your old age?" I said that Jesus will take care of me, He's taking care of me right now. He brought DH and me together and my marriage is NOT like my parents'. I learned to love my earthly father and to love but also release my mother. I'm not responsible for her happiness, I don't have to make it all better for her. Enough of that, let's move along.

Photo of the day, little flowers that were growing in our yard a week or so ago. Don't know what they are called.



But the Lord is in His holy temple. Let all the earth be silent before Him.
Habakkuk 2:20